


all alone. again.

by what_a_dork_fish



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 01:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15697281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_a_dork_fish/pseuds/what_a_dork_fish
Summary: Charles snippets.





	all alone. again.

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

“You’re a right prick.”

“I know.”

“You disgust me.”

“I know.”

“Kiss me again?”

“Of course.”

~

Charles hates himself.

He should never have let Erik kiss him. The bastard betrayed him. He hurt Charles. He has no right to be so—so—

Charles feels his anger melting away with every moment and that just makes him hate himself more.

Erik stops kissing him when he starts to cry. He bites his lip and fights, but it’s too late. He ends up sobbing on Erik’s shoulder, muffling himself in Erik’s shirt, and Erik holds him close.

It’s a terrible feeling, falling in love with the same person for the second time.

Eventually he winds down, listless and lost in self-loathing. His legs are starting to prickle again. He needs his next dose.

He doesn’t want to leave Erik’s arms, though.

“I missed you,” Erik murmurs.

The truth catches in Charles’ throat.

“I missed you so much.” Erik’s voice is slightly strained, a little longing. His hand slides down Charles’ back softly and hooks on the back of his thigh, tugging his leg up and pulling him closer. “Charles…”

Charles pulls away, and Erik lets his leg down.

~

At the hotel in Paris, Erik waits until they’re alone in the room to touch Charles again. And this time, Charles gives in. He will cry later. He will hate when they’re done. For now, there is only Erik between his legs, fucking him hard and fast, because they both know if they’re caught there’ll be Hell to pay, so they’d better do it quickly.

When Charles comes he almost starts crying immediately. He will admit it now. He missed Erik. He missed him so much.

They barely finish setting things right when Logan returns. He blinks, sneezes, and moves immediately to the window, opening it as wide as it will go.

“You couldn’t wait more than two days?” he asks, frowning at them both.

Charles can’t look at him. He’s ashamed, now. He shouldn’t have let Erik touch him. He shouldn’t have given in like that. Why is he so weak to Erik? Even ten years ago, he’d been unable to fight, and now…

He’s scared now, so he goes and hides in the bathroom, standing in the tub and pressing his forehead to the cool tiles of the wall. He can hear raised voices outside the bathroom, Erik and Logan, but he can’t bring himself to go out and make them stop.

Charles sits down in the tub, and stays there for several hours, shivering.

~

He doesn’t want to let Erik touch him again, but that night, after Logan and Hank fall asleep, Erik slides into Charles’ bed and hugs him tightly. Charles hugs back. He doesn’t protest when Erik kisses him. He does protest when Erik tries to arouse him again, weakly, quietly, so that the others won’t hear. Erik stops.

“Why?” Charles whispers.

“I… I don’t know,” Erik replies softly, and he sounds properly distressed.

Charles keeps his thoughts behind his teeth. They’re unhelpful. They’re contradictory. They’ll make Erik want to leave. And he can’t bear the thought of Erik leaving again, even if it’s just leaving his bed to sleep elsewhere.

He falls asleep holding Erik, but in the morning, Erik’s gone.

It’s too much like his dreams. It’s too much like those nights he’d convince himself he could still smell Erik on his pillow, and in the morning he’d wake up cold and alone and with tears on his face. He pulls the pillow over his head and tries to tell himself it’s all a dream, it’s a nightmare, it’ll all go away if he wills hard enough.

His legs are prickling and the feathery edges of thoughts not his own are scraping against his mind. That’s not a dream. That means none of the rest of it is, either.

The tears won’t come. He lies there, his only movement the expansion and contraction of his chest, and wishes he could cry.

~

It’s three years later when he wakes up and thinks he can smell Erik.

He sits up immediately, looking around wildly—but he’s not there. Charles lets his mind expand, taking in every mind in the manor, labeling each—none of them are Erik. None.

So why can he smell him?

Why is his head so full of memories, his heart pounding, his hands shaking?

Why is he crying?

Charles puts his hands over his mouth, stifling sobs, his body convulsing as he fights not to scream. He mustn’t wake anyone. He mustn’t let anyone know he’s so weak.

“I hate you,” he whispers, voice cracking. “I hate you, I hate you, come back, I love you.”

No one answers. Of course not. He’s alone.

He’s all alone…


End file.
